When we repeat  the similar behavior in similar situations, but with different people ..there is no doubt ..there is the pattern...something in us makes us react that way ,  feel similar..even if that's the last thing on earth we want to express. We can remove our self from "that picture"or try to understand the logic behind " non logical " response. Today's "journey " is showing to be more difficult then I expected...maybe its not always "sunny" in my part of the world...First thing is  ..to identify emotions...then , try to find logical explanation ...realize that it is not logical but never less very real ...and again put the solution and the  answer not to the outside  of yourself ..but within you...The world around you is not responsible for that ..its just the way it is , you are the one who needs to "adjust "  your reactions , perception , understanding ... and at the end your emotions. That's the most successful way to stop playing the same unpleasant role ..time for different play..:)) When we don't feel like victims of our emotions ...but powerful enough to understand them ...we can change ...and move on...I remember the feeling of shame and guilt ( sort of strange combination) when I was just a child and my father would take me skiing ( which I loved) ...but instead of spending time with me ..he would bring his current girlfriend. Everytime, we accidentally met any  friends of my mom , I felt this panic and a  big knot in my stomach...knowing I had to lie for my father( not letting my mom know, he brought "friend"with him) and felt so humiliated by that , and maybe by the fact, that I wasn't good enough to be his only company...I suppose the  combination of being dishonest and feeling not that important in his life was "poisonous" to my self esteem..I was shy, those days and  even now ,occasionally I still am..though my friends laugh at that  statement and don't agree :)) The feelings of rejection and of not  exclusiveness to my father's heart sink deeply within me...Didn't resurrect that, in the very long time..because didn't think I had to...but familiar knot in the stomach reminded me of something known to me and almost forgotten..Yes, I  felt it before ..quite few times, ...but "blamed" my feelings , situation and the person who " put me in it" more , then something from the past.Obviously there are some  scars , which still keep on hurting ...even if only lurking from my unconscious reactions..Healing can only happen through understanding and  consciously letting them go...I am ready for this one to leave ...I am good enough just the way I am...always been and will be...:)) Just had to hear me, say it out loud..words have power and I am intending on using it...We need to nourish our soul ,, bring it to the place of "innocence"..before we learned all wrong lessons ..and kept reciting them over and over... so here it is.. pattern ,...source of it , ...mission to understand it  and destroy...maybe , replace it with something else ...peace and release ...sounds like a good plan to me..:)) I really want it to work ,  no need to believe in something which was never true..just make believe..I took it for granted and felt  for  long time . Giving yourself permission to be free of that and of anything else diminishing us...,."giving a love a chance" to fill in the space and begin to work its magic hope for the best ....:)))

365 days of journey to the unknown ....:): What do we need to stay alive? Obviously , we need...

365 days of journey to the unknown ....:): What do we need to stay alive? Obviously , we need...: "What do we need to stay alive? Obviously , we need some basic things such as air , water, food,shelter...love...:) Yes, I realize ..."

What do we need to stay alive? Obviously , we need some basic things such as air , water, food,shelter...love...:) Yes, I realize  "love "is not in  the same category .. but I believe it should be..:)) Our scientists broke  down the needs of us humans  and constructed ..the model based on importance .  Starting with food etc. climbing up all the way up  to family unit, love ,creative activity etc. So I just "jump" a  little bit ahead of our "pyramid "with " love"...but  I believe  we need it even  more then we  realize...It doesn't have to be necessary romantic type...just pure connection with another person or sometime its not even a person..could be our pet...no , I am not joking ...connection is connection and I am truly convinced of it :) On occasions we don't even know them personally ( not talking about stalkers  lol)...we just "love " their books , point of view , music...it speaks to our heart ..we feel we understand them so well...Part of ourselves is "vibrating" to the same rhythm..., the world is little brighter because of that , we are more "beautiful" and "special"...just by feeling that  bond with another "person". Have you ever noticed how much more energetic , full of life and optimistic you feel when you find that ...soul connection...:)) As if all of our troubles  disappear ...We are not lonely anymore .., there is someone who understands us.., thinks or feel like us , thinks we are special , make us feel good,inspires us,gives us a  hope, like us, just  the way we are....all is still in the  connection ...We were not "design" to live and die on our own.., we seek intuitively to be a part of something outside of us but still relating to our soul . Not the "lonely rangers" of the vast cosmos but rather "kids on the journey together"..:) I thought about this very famous movie" E.T"....and how it showed this "creature " from out of space , needing only one thing to survive...not  food or advance technology...just love...I remember watching it many years ago for the very first time and then realizing ..."I am E.T....well... not literally and not only me...:))...we  ..human beings , we are  like that and  we need love  to stay alive... to feel connected ,even if it means in  purely psychological/ emotional/spiritual sense...Yoga and other spiritual activities and some religions are  teaching us  , that we are all connected ...even science is sort of caching up with that in string theory and fact we are all pure energy..:) Our senses make it harder to feel that...separation from each other in our perception of the world around us, deceives our inner need to blend boundaries between me and you. Anything that makes us feel connected , from pure physical to mental and emotional experience  brings us closer to feeling as one ..in peace...Make as many "real" connections as possible ..you wont "loose" yourself , make them not in the superficial way ..but by extending your true self to others..take off your mask ..you don't need it ...How can you ever "sing the same tune" with someone else when you are not listening to your heart ..? I promise .., if you "do" your own "song" you are more likely to connect with real thing, then if you just pretend or be afraid to show your own"notes"...:))So the first step is to get to know yourself and then show that  to the world...sometime its a bit scary in the beginning but eventually it becomes much easier then wearing an "uniform"...and one more thing at the end...why do we love our pets so much ...? Because ..,we don't have to pretend to be someone else ...better , cooler, like everyone else... and they still love us and probably, even more so...:))

 You see what you choose to see and you remember what you choose to...your conscious acts as constant filter...maybe that's not the true statement for many people...but then,,maybe they" choose " to perceive truth in that way... Seems to me reality is very "slippery thing"...nothing new, ,,human beings asked themselves that question since ..the beginning of comprehension of" me" , "them "and the "whole world around us"...what is real  then ? Maybe, we can never find  the answer ,as long as we are part of it ...to observe and be  the observer would turn out to be mission impossible...but again, maybe we are asking the wrong question ..so ...we can never get the right answer...How real it is for us..for me ...for you..not in a broad sense but in a  very personal.., touching our hearts , shaping our mind , imprinting our memories...and that's very important to find out...because then we can change it..make a choice to "open"our eyes ,to look from different perspective , to learn different lesson from it , to keep becoming as we wish to , not as we let the outside influence us...If we know that, then we can perceive everything around us differently and because of that act ...we may have a conscious  choice  to see it , comprehend , react..and become the way ,we wish . Difficult relationships could be seen as stressful and we may feel we are failing at it...but then again its only a choice to perceive it that way...Why not see it as a opportunity to learn something about ourselves and view relationship as a ignitor to continue a journey of self discovery...After all if we look closely at our" heroic" moments  in life..,we cherish so much in memories and use in " fables of our life story, it could be "nothing " more but ego in overdrive trying to prove something....again depends what we choose to see..:) It always seemed to me ,we make this choice as we go along through our life and "adjust" our perspective on "reality"to "fit" our goal...to" tell story of our life"..who is the hero ..and who is the villain...what lesson have we learned and how...Story many times keeps rewriting itself depending on the  turn of events and how we decided to "catalog"it...What we now call, foolishness of young age...we use to call bravery...what we see as being responsible ,we use to acknowledge as the  "lost of own identity"...there are so many perspectives to the same event...I am not referring to an idea of good and evil for us people..and blurring those boundaries..that's not my intention..I believe there are universal laws...of not harming the other person. I just want to believe we are capable of more then merely "reaction" to the world around us.. we can make a choice to grow on this life journey or to destroy ourselves and people around us . I am not trying to pretend I am really good at it..just a "student" learning my way...trying to make a choices based on "doing no harm", learning and growing in consciousness , choosing peace over ego drives but at the same time protecting my own integrity and dignity...Will I see the world the same way in a year or two...? Who can tell...we are  after all on the journey ..constantly "happening"....I may just hope I will be a little wiser ...and having  more puzzle pieces fitting together...but  I know one thing for sure ,I don't want to give up on my "travelling""...or find myself to be only half awake , missing the most important part of me ...the one I am still learning about :)))

Day 5

I was going to “blog” today as usually ..day 5 …though I was a bit tired and started  quite late ( busy searching for beautiful pictures on this new web program ) …so I  had some doubts of the outcome … Not even for a moment did I considered not making an “entry” in my blog..after all I made a promise to myself..:)) Well as for right now I am writing in the Microsoft Word.. My blog “doesn’t want me to post new page”…Well I am not giving up..:)) Have to sweet talk my husband to take a look at that  ,  if it’s not going to improve by tomorrow..Literally, my 2 sec. plan for today was to  write about  beauty , art and why we need them in our life…obviously ..that’s not in the stars …J) Maybe patience and calmness in unexpected situations  would be a better choice …J Yes sort of continuation of yesterday about not planning  everything to the last detail with the illusion it will always work..because it doesn’tJ Cant  help to feel disappointed …I was looking forward to doing my daily “soul searching”…under the cover of training myself to be responsible to my commitments..Of course I know I don’t need a piece of paper or should I say “piece of virtual place” to put my “thoughts down” and maybe find few answers…but I like it…because it works for me …To question  and then  to see the written word in front of me containing the answer …pure magic…J It use to be the best kind of therapy for me as a child and growing adult…I could always find the resolution to my problems on the “paper”…all it took, it was just to start writing ..almost anything ..and before I knew it the sentences were “writing itself” faster that I could understand…At the end ..there was the answer…for me ,,for my heartache , confusion, sadness…as if someone else wrote that…sort of funny and strange…J But I only wrote in the time of distress…not when I was happy and peaceful (as a child I had a lot of  “unhappy” moments..not that my life was so dramatic...just faced a lot of challenges as a  young kid…)Well this time it was going to be different..just writing for pure pleasure of it..That was the plan….I was going to write in my blog everyday…happy or not and since as an adult I made a choice to be happy… I was curious myself to see ,what will  I write about… J Wasn’t planning to talk about some “glitches” in the computer program…well could be worse I could have had  an instant inspiration to write …let’s say about…love..and that could be quite nostalgically saturated, cheesy…and unbearably “fuzzy”…just joking ,will write about love ..one day when I figure it out…J My sense of humor is coming back ,because I am beginning to find it funny…my 365 days.. written in stone..everyday…J)) I forgot about one small issue….that I have NO control over the blog….a purely “minute “ detail..:))) No sweat I will write anywhere I can…J))Time to say goodnight…it’s the last act for today…Finding a lesson in unexpected places is maybe annoying at the time ..but still lesson is a lesson …take it , live it, make a friend out of it , find “humor” in it…knowing tomorrow is the new day…and if the Universe has any sense of humor…I will walk my walk  and talk my talk…My grandma always said I talk way too much…J …but I know that she loved that…J. FYI...it started working right now ...my "compose" box in my blog....thank you...whoever..whatever...:)))

# 4 :)

Its getting late ..which is usually great time for me..quiet at home..everybody sleeping ...easier to gather my thoughts..:) Raining outside..not much  ...enough to make me feel cozy and a bit dreamy..Today "the inspiration of subject" didn't arrive...:) yet , so I will just continue to think out loud....:) This morning I came across one of my favorite movies "Sliding Door" , it reflects on a subject of ..I suppose "butterfly effect" and possibilities of  alternative realities... If we just knew how, even minute actions can alter our course of   life in  the most  dramatic ways..we would never take anything for granted ...what seems to be logical and practical continuation of our life path today...would be unthinkable in other circumstances...:) Do any of us ever wonder what if...I didn't go there , didn't meet that person...was late for a train...how our life could look ? From pure philosophical/metaphysical reason I do, sometime...can imagine different versions of me...depending on experiences in my life ...can clearly see ,we may not even be friends ( alternative me..(s))...we may even not like each other..make different choices in life , choose different friends and lifestyles...end up telling different "life fables"..., lesson learned..but I still want to believe there is a  "core" in each of us ...unshakable to change...our soul...our higher self , the essence of who we are...Can we alter it so much through experiences..? Many times I would compare people to the trees...it just made sense to me in the past ..how the trees grow and every year the new" ring "is added...I thought of us human beings as adding new experiences to our existence and growing,changing but still retaining our identity..Usually I don't dwell on what if..in a  real life...take it as it is and make the best of it..:))Maybe its a  curse of incurable romantic optimist or realist in denial...if having a choice I go for the  first one..:))"What if ..." thinking about  the past , is in my opinion wasting of time...how about then" what if" about the  future...is it pure speculation with too many unknown factors or just researching "endless" possibilities...?? Lets face it , we don't have a control over all the" forces " in our life...so...planning for the  future ,even with minute details is "highly risky" of the outcome we set out to achieve..we may be in  the "neighborhood" of the  goal ..if we are  lucky...No..I don't want to sound like a "doomsday"prophet or pure helpless human being not being able to take care of own destiny ( future)...just want to acknowledge the fact that as much as we can dream up different scenarios of our life based on "butterfly effect" it will be just mental , pleasant,activity based on science fiction ...unless we learn how to "control"time ...move along the  timeless vectors...well..never say never...after all 2011 is here ...:)))For now on, I will remain cluelessly optimistic for the best possible future, based on who I am now at this present moment...having faith and optimism is crucial to have hope and vision and without that life would be unbearably painful and colorless...I make that choice not out of luck of a  reason but because there is no reason why not..:))) Have nothing to loose and all to gain ..:)))...After all the "endless possibilities" are just around the corner...tomorrow is  a new day and I believe it will bring to my life what  I need ...:) maybe not what I want ....but that's another subject :))

3 day

I am getting used to the idea of writing everyday...and have to say, beginning to like it more and more..:)) Feel as my thoughts and emotions are being poured out of me, making space for new one...no overcrowding anymore...goes perfectly  hand in hand with my approach to life this year  ...It starts fresh   ...every day..no regrets or second thoughts, doubts, hurt feelings...who needs this baggage...Our "grandmas" were smart .."make a peace every night ..before going to bed , tomorrow is a new day and its the best to start it fresh"..:)) Talked to a friend ( posted comment and vice verse...literally exchange some points of view) on Facebook..very lovely and talented lady...We "talked" about " shadow personality " as in Jung...and why some things in other people are especially annoying to us ..etc.fact that you can learn a lot about yourself just by noticing what you hate in others..:)) Idea of shadow personality as the certain  character traits we perceived as undesirable in us always was very interesting to me....wonder why...:)) just joking...Yes of course I noticed some "aspects" of me, which I didn't like in general and didn't bring to life through my actions, but I was aware of their   presence...hidden and  buried in "almost" my subconscious...but not quite that deep...:) Asking myself a question ...could it be me ?? so vein..and silly and like "lower self"...When I was younger I thought it will take me longer to get rid of them ...those stupid character "flaws" ...to become ..better person...until one day I realized ..Its a lie ...what I am presenting to  the world is completely fake...its collection of certain characteristics approved by my own censorship and ready for "sale"...but deep down there in dark corridors of "me"the "controversial" one are hiding, to afraid to have a voice...but never less still existing...:))I think I became quite opinionated and critical of other people's behaviour...especially the one who reminded me of my dark "force"...If I can fight it ..and know its wrong..why others cant..? no mercy...:)))Sure I can make fun of me today and laugh at pretty "rigid" picture of mine from the past...no I was never openly mean ...but pretty "squeaky clean" in ideas about dos and don ts...:)))Don't miss that period...too much "fighting"..not literally...just plainly growing old and stiff and closed by each moment...So the story goes like that...decided to get to know my "shadow personalities" aka as certain characteristics...well..lets try one I had a lots of trouble accepting...because my life and the way I lived was on opposite "planet" from that...I defined myself as absolutely opposite of that....Narcissistic...part...did everything in my life not to become one , preoccupied with looks , ego-driving force, attention seeker...but it was there as vein as it can be ...so we became "friends"..I let "it" come and "play" sometime and I find it not threatening anymore or scary...just a "child" who likes to have some fun...Makes me even laugh with silliness and shallowness...but has no "power" to become "me" its one of the "outfits" I am wearing sometime...not hurting anyone...I found perfect outlet for it...ballroom dancing...not that dancing is silly and not serious ..just opposite its one of the most powerful expression of who you are..dance..I always loved it...but ballroom with dresses and glitz and attention on you..., make-ups ..that ego concentrating activity..is perfect for this part of me...who likes it...No ..that's not what makes me dance ..something else does ..different part in me...if anything, my spiritual ...the one that connects to the world and is happy with just feelings and being in the moment ,perfectly in peace with who I am.....but my little "shadow narcissistic "animal" is happy ...so wont be turning into scary "monster" and be so judgmental about other peoples lives ,which  are sometime  pure "entertainment" , drama and one big party..Its their choice and who am I to judge it...? and raise my eyebrows in disapproval...We all are different ..at different times...So ..don't" starve" your "shadow monsters"..they are not that scary if you understand them...and if you let them coexist...they wont mind  that ,they "don't play first role" in your life....You will be given in return so many benefits...learning to be tolerant , understanding , compassionate...wont feel you  have to "fight" any internal battles...be more in peace...its quite nice ...you breath better , sleep better ,laugh louder..especially at yourself, know there is the endless possibility of becoming  who you are...just by agreeing to accept who you are know and not "holding any prisoners"...Goodnight to the world and ...see you tomorrow..:)))

2nd ..day...:))

Wow...I talk too much...referring to yesterday's blog..control...control...?  ...who needs control...:)) Spend few last day ...socializing ..big time..New Years eve ,another party on New Years Day at friends house and another one 'caroling" today...It was really nice and fun to see and talk to so many people,drink and eat delicious food , dance...but now I need to regroup and get down to basics...time for myself ...and "plain " life :)) Miss a good  book ,exersizing again , finding  the ground and balance..oh  and yoga too ..:))  Also miss talking to one of my friends...not in the same "circle" anymore...smart person...but with  very different point of view..discussions were bordering on fights...had to defend my point of view and define myself...It made me think , what I stand for and believe in...These kind of relationships have  much bigger impact on you , then initially you  would expect..They change you , make you grow, pushing you out of your boundaries and beliefs. We need people like that in our lives..."to push our buttons" , make us angry and upset sometime...passion after all is  a great force for us ..human beeings..:))It makes us feel alive... a little bit  like tango...love and hate..:))) ..never thought I will miss our fights...:)) but I do... :)))Maybe its just nostalgia of holidays...or ..fact  that too many people agree with me lately..where is "the loving challenge"..? Please tell me I am wrong about some life issues...:))) I can handle that :))..I think..:)) Well ..I dont miss fights/discussions..just the effect of it...what happenned in following days ,weeks or months...I changed ..I grew ...knew and understood  myself better , was "fuller"...Maybe, again I  will have a friend like that :))...just to "hate"  in the beginning and like at the end ...:) 2011 is here ..second day of it..dont feel any different..but I probably shouldnt in the first place ..we "enforce" this silly calendar to mark the passing of  time...because we cant think in other terms ...time defines us ..ticking away...How different would we be ( humans) if there wouldnt be any time issue...how whould we "mark' our lives...what would we find to "measure" our existance..? We are obcessed with numbers...weight,hight , age...etc...maybe in the future we wont be interested so much in this kind of "sizing up"   ...maybe we will find something that transcends the time and space and is part of us...maybe we already found it...just dont use it often enought or dont develop it into more approachable element...maybe ..religion can have this function ..or rather I should say spirituality...Breathe , Be ....Namaste :)))

1st.

Being yourself can be as courageous act as any adrenaline "rising" activity..not because of pure possibility of real danger but by daring to loose your "mask:"...which we all wear more or less so...:) Seeing yourself without "history of your own life memories" will take a bit of practice to get use to...but I believe it will simplify a lot choices and views ...no prerequisite to act or feel or be certain way could be very liberating..I wonder if there is any "school of thought " in philosophy which embraces such an attitude toward ones life...pretty sure there is one or two..or more...:))  could research it..:)) That brings me to the thought on "letting go" or "giving up " certain things,habits..people in your life...basically you are ready to do so...when you are ready...not before..which may become "fighting event" with your ..ego..?..but once your inner self is ready there is not so much battle...you just let it happen...promised myself not to smoke anymore ...not such a big sacrificing for me ..because I was only sort of social smoker...but enjoyed my cigarettes once in the while...but all of sudden I heard myself saying no more...no reason...I will never smoke again...and I believe I wont...as if that's what I need to do now...this small little step ...of getting rid of something from my life which is not really needed or useful anymore...I just had to agree with that...but it was  my decision already .. not to smoke...not restriction but agreement...Yes, more of conversation you are having with yourself ...or the friend deep inside of you who knows what you need right  now...as I said ..nothing heroic..just letting change to take place...which already happened ...as of reversing the order...change take place deep inside ..and you just have to let it work through you...Maybe that's the key to all changes in your life ..we cant really force it or we end up having a lot of " battles" on different "subjects"..we can grow into the change ..and question is can we "grow" into direction that we choose or is it just beyond our "control"...I remember long time ago ..years ..maybe 20..I was trying consciously change the way I behaved in certain situations...and it was totally planned decision on my part..wasn't easy..but every time I reacted to the similar situation in alternative way..it was getting easier as if I was training my nervous system to develop new series of responses...not my " natural" one ...and the one that  "felt " "good".Satisfaction from gaining control over my reaction to emotions was helping me to change....and as I later thought .." natural" reaction ..maybe were not so natural but learned...Felt proud of myself to overcome few issues in my life...:)) Years later when I was reading article in medical journal about brain,neurons...habits..and theory how it is formed and if we can change it I knew immediately , that's what happen to me..I started using "the new path"..in the sense of word..new neurological path..connection...the more I used alternative reaction ..the more I traveled "the road less travelled"..but soon this road was used more and more so..the old path was beginning to be not so strong...and new one became my first choice of responses...so...we can deliberately change ourselves...its possible...but I think its so much easier when the "path" the "new road" already exist..even if its only in our thoughts....not in action yet...maybe just thinking about new reaction, new ,way of behavior changes it enough to build this new neurological connection"..without actually doing it in reality...sort of virtual way...maybe our brain doesn't distinguish between reality ..and "virtual reality"...like it happens in some other instances...ex when I have a dance routine and cant or don't want to practice in reality...I notice that just by visualizing it makes it better ...just dancing "in your mind"...So Reality.....what is it then....:))) wow I cornered myself...never finish my first day blog :))) one can hope to find the answer one day or ..."the answer will find you :))) goodnight and goodbye for today...:)))